WHAT EVEN IS THIS?
Poor grammar aside, what are we even dealing with here? What is this invisible ghost that haunts us even in our happiest moments? Well... I am going to do my best to break a few things down, mentioning the small things that Google refuses to mention about mental health, things that we probably do not even realize are side effects, starting with my own personal experiences that I live with on a daily basis.
Disclaimer: this is meant to be personal but relatable. This is not everyone's experience.
NAIL BITING. As I have come to find, nail biting is a symptom of anxiety and can also be a form of self harm if left unchecked. It is usually subconscious and is a terrible habit. Believe it or not, not everyone does this... THERE ARE ACTUALLY PEOPLE WHO LET THEIR NAILS GROW. Not me though. So there is also a few other impulsive things that can happen right alongside nail biting. Running your fingers through your hair and checking to see if you have pulled any out (might've talked yourself into believing you were just detangling your hair until there was a huge pile of hair laying on the floor where you had been brushing the individual strands off of your fingers with every comb through). Chewing the skin from around your fingers, similar to nail biting. Yeah, that is also part of it. Pulling out eyebrow hairs (no you aren't pulling dead hair out, you are just pulling it out in general). Pulling out your eyelashes... (something was irritating your eye... am I right or am I right?). Lip biting/chewing until there is a sore on the inside or outside of your mouth. Rubbing your face constantly (which causes a lot of breakouts due to the bacteria on our hands), which can be considered a self-soothing technique (not necessarily a healthy one), just like all the other examples featured here. These are usually caused by anxiety and the ones involving hair have an actual name. Trichotillomania: A mental disorder which presents as repeated and uncontrolled urge to pull out body hair. I recommend doing a little research on the term as it made me feel better and allowed me to get help for that specific symptom that no medicine or therapy seemed to help with because once I was bald on my eyes it caused me to experience more body dysmorphia than I already did.
On to the next topic: CONTROL ISSUES. This is not to say that I am controlling, but rather that I enjoy having a sense of control over certain aspects in my life. Whether it be financially or emotionally or something pertaining to the scheduling of my day to day routine... I like it done my way. Reasons: insecurity and instability. Ever heard the saying "if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself?" This is exactly like that. At least if I fail with these things in my control, I do not spiral into hopelessness. When others let me down because I depended on them, I tend to go off the rails. Causes trust issues and triggers my panic so fast. I always thought it had something to do with the perfectionist issues that I had, maybe a little OCD as well... and Voila! Perfect recipe for insecure disaster. Best to remember that we are all human and EVERYTHING CAN NOT BE WITHIN OUR CONTROL AT ALL TIMES. We have to keep in mind that when things go wrong, it is temporary, and we will eventually fix it. Easier said than done but mindfulness and meditation is a healthy way to cope with these things. We are just used to others letting us down and we do not want to feel powerless, useless, or completely out of control... and that is okay. Moderation is key. Life is a give and take.
NEXT! WE DO NOT HAVE TO GET THINGS RIGHT THE VERY FIRST TIME! Or even the second time, or the third time. If we are trying, that is what is important. I am a sore loser. Not in the rage type of way but in the giving up way. That is not healthy. Failing is a part of life. Best to remember that there is no success without failure and that it is okay to take a break from it and revisit it once we have recollected our patience. I treated myself badly through school when I wasn't making perfect grades but they were still very high grades, and when I couldn't play Softball as well as the boys did, and even when I got wiped across the floor in a multiplayer match of Call of Duty. WHY?! Looking back it seems so minor and yet to me it felt like I wasn't good at anything or that I would never amount to anything because I couldn't be the best and do the best out of everyone. Some of us take these things super seriously because we want to feel important, or have a purpose. Whatever the reason may be, it's normal for us to feel this way, but isn't healthy.
Anyone else's tummy just get upset for no reason after an argument with someone, or your ears start ringing? Random blackout spells (up walking around your vision just goes black while your eyes are open) and then when you pull out of it after a few seconds you break a sweat and have to sit down? Random back pain, neck pain or migraines (from being tense constantly)? Inability to sleep because you are trying to sleep while thinking about how you need to sleep or else you will not be able to get as much sleep as you need which will mean the entire next day you will be sleepy? Grinding your teeth at night when forcibly trying to sleep while tensing your body up at the same time? Waking up with a cold anytime you do not get more than a couple hours of sleep? Eating too much? Eating too little? Cravings? Sexual frustration in a turned off way and also in a turned on way? Starting an argument as soon as you wake up? Indulging in excessive amounts of fantasy related media (books, tv shows etc.)? How about sitting in one spot for 10 hours straight unable to move but your mind is giving you a checklist of all of the different things that need to be done and you do not know where to begin or how to begin because it is like your body is made of stone? I am sure that our minds and bodies have a mind of their own sometimes because in my mind, I am extremely productive... too productive. My body, on the other hand, has its own plans which involve not moving even a single inch to do what is necessary. WHICH STRESSES ME OUT EVEN MORE BECAUSE I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE WHEN I CANNOT DO SIMPLE TASKS! I also know that there is always tomorrow to get the tasks finished and I typically start with small tasks that are within arms reach, and sometimes my body decides to move. Takes a lot of willpower but can be done. Small tasks spread out over many days can lead to big results. Anyways, back on topic, even though there are so many different ones. Most of these, if not all, happen to me on a weekly basis. Usually triggered by stressful situations. During these times, I force myself to do something I enjoy like bingeing my favorite TV show or reorganizing my current purse into one of my other purses, and it helps tremendously with lifting my mood.
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